The Craving of Certainty

What exact date will the virus peak?

When will we get back to normal work and life rhythms?

When will the damn toilet paper be in stock again?

Just how bad will the market crash?

Who can I blame for their lack of leadership and failure to protect us?

The questions are endless. The answers, not so much.

For me, these last few weeks have unearthed a deep craving within me. One that’s always been there. It’s just manifested in different ways lately.

Almost as much as my 11pm craving for nachos or sugar, I crave certainty.

I desperately crave control.

The feeling of knowing what’s ahead. Or at least how to navigate it once I’m there.

I’m safe when I’m in control. I’m not afraid when I’m in control. I’m OK when I’m in control.

I’m just fine when it’s certain.

Or so I believe.

Here’s the thing though.

The craving won’t ever be satisfied. It can’t stand under the weight of the expectation.

It lets me down….every single time.

My anxiety fires, so I search for answers or something to numb it.

My fear takes over, so I try and determine a surefire, safe way forward.

My sadness hits, so I sprint away to something happy as fast as possible.

Where is the solid ground?

Where is the control dammit?

I resist this more than I get it right, but isn’t the answer to the tight-gripped, white knuckled way of trying to be in control, to actually surrender instead?

To open yourself to the reality of being out of control? Even when we want so desperately to have it.

To find a place of trust? Even when it doesn’t feel trustworthy?

To make way to slow down and realize uncertainty is OK? Even when we’re about to spiral.

To breathe instead of clinch? Even when the reflex is to fight.

Easier said than done.

Easier to write than practice.

Especially when the craving hits. When the fear sets in. When the desire for control takes hold.

But maybe this is the nudge we need.

To breathe. To slow. To sink into the reality that we don’t have the certainty we crave.

Yet, there’s a bigger story. A deeper purpose. A hope that goes deeper than our fear.

At least, I’m pretty certain.

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